and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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