And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
