My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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