Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
