Im at strip club and am horny
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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