All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
