I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
