She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
