Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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