i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
