I met the friendliest cop last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
