in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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