remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
