Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
