can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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