It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
