I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
