If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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