On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
