I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
