The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
