I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
