Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
