And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
