You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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