I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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