I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
