by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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