i was born a porn star she said
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
