there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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