shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
