He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
