The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
