my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
