so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
