If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
