I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
