You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I would ride that face into the sunset
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
