Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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