my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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