garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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