It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
