his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
