why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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