Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
