guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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