If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
