Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
