why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
