I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
