The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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