well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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