So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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