i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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