Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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