I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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