hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
